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Cory Walsh's Birth

It took us 2 years to get pregnant.  I had stopped taking the pill and never
ovulated for 2 years.  The doctors tried to 'kick-start' it several times by
giving me hormones.  With the help of the hormones, I would menstruate, but
my body never picked it up on it's own.  Having taking the pill for 9 years
and having started it very early, I had damaged by body's ability to cycle.
 I was sent to an infertility specialist who suggested that I would take
infertility drugs.  He believed firmly that I would not be able to get
pregnant without hormones.  I refused to put any more hormones in my body as
this had brought on the problems I was having in the first place.  I  started
to experiment with alternative medicine and natural healing at this point.
 My friend had been seing an acupuncturist in North Miami, so I decided to
give it a try.  My treatment consisted of a weekly acupuncture session and
Chinese herbs which I faithfully took every morning.  The acupuncturist also
obtained a detailed history from me, talked to me about psychological causes
to the amneohrrea etc.  After 4 visits, I felt strange toward Kevin (the
acupuncturist).  I didn't feel it was helping and was resentful, didn't want
to go anymore.  The 5th treatment didn't seem right at all.  I went back to
my regular doctor (GYN/OB) and had them give me hormone again, in order to
menstruate.  My doctor had instilled the fear in me that if I did not do this
treatment every 3-4 months, that the lining in the uterus would keep growing
and could cause cancer.  When they give you the provera (hormones), you have
to take a mandatory pregnancy test, because taking provera while your
pregnant can lead to serious birth defects.  I left his office on a Friday
thinking in the elevator going downstairs that 'something is growing inside
of me' and that I shouldn't take these hormones.  It was a fleeting thought
and I did not pay that much attention to it.  I took the provera.  On Monday
I get a call from my OBGYN saying that I am pregnant and to stop taking the
provera right away.  The acupuncture had worked!  I had ovulated once after
the 4th treatment, gotten pregnant, and that's why the 5th session felt
wrong.  My body did not want to be treated to menstruate, it was already
growing a baby.  Unfortunately, I did not let this example convince me enough
to shy away from doctors and get a midwife.  I was still too conditioned by
traditional medicine.

The pregnancy went great.  No problems, except for a lot of water retention
in my legs.  But my blood pressure kept low.  I had to work until 1 week
before the scheduled due date and was stressed out a lot.  My boss (a woman!)
was completely unsupportive and harrassed me at work.  I kept thinking that I
needed 1-2 weeks all to myself in order to get peaceful and work through the
upcoming birth.  It never happened.  On my last day of work, my mother
arrived from Germany to be here for me when the baby came.  My doctor started
to pressure me one week before my due date that if the baby did not drop
soon, they'd have to induce me.  I started to walk daily with my Mom, in
order to get my baby to drop.  I did not want to be induced, wanted a natural
labor without medication.  I had told my doctor this.  He never mentioned any
problems or suspicions of a c-section to me.  On my last check-up, the doctor
was telling me that he did not think 'I was gonna go' before he returned from
his vacation to Disney World.  If he did, he'd 'deliver me now'.  (WOW -
where was my input in all this?)  In retrospect I am amazed at how much I
allowed everybody to interfere with MY BODY, MY PREGNANCY and MY BIRTH
EXPERIENCE.

On Thursday, September 21, 1995 (3 days before my 'due date'), my water broke
at 6am.  I had gotten up to go to the bathroom and as I laid back down, a big
gush came down.  My baby still had not dropped.  I had a call in to the
acupuncturist who knew a midwife who was supposed to help me with herbs on
how to get the baby to drop.  My doctor was in Disney world.  So, I called
the office and the substitute doctors returned my call.  I was advised that I
had to go to the hospital right away, because my water had broken and the
risk of infection was high now.  They asked me if I had contractions and I
declined.  They said 'then we'll get you some'.  My worst nightmare had come
true - induction.  We went to the hospital at 8:30 am.  I was still
completely closed.

They put me in a nightgown, in the bed and started the pyctocin IV.  They
came in and doubled the dosage every hour.  I was hooked up to a contraction
monitor, the baby was being monitored (i had 2 belts around my belly), I had
a blood pressure cough around my right arm.  I laid there feeling totally
helpless and powerless.  The TV in the room was blasting.  I was unable to
utter my needs, felt so all alone and helpless, was hoping my husband would
take over and make things right for me the way we had discussed we wanted the
birth to go.  I kept having to pee, but couldn't get up with all the
equipment dangling from me.  They put a bedpan under me and I sent everybody
out of the room, just could not pee in front of them all.  I was so
uncomfortable in the bed and started to think there was no way I was going to
be able to do this like this.  A male nurse stormed into the room, tore the
blanket away from my belly and started adjusting the straps to the monitor,
mumbling 'he had lost me again'.  I didn't know who he was...I was feeling
the contractions from the pyctocin.  It hurt very badly, because it was so
unnatural and being forced upon my body.  The male nurse asked if I wanted
pain medication and I declined.  He said I was not going to be able to do
this naturally and to let him know when I couldn't take it anymore.  After 4
hours, I was dilated 1 cm.  The doctor checked me.  At that point, they
started mentioning a c-section, because me labor was not progressing.  I
agreed to get an epidural at this point, 'because I was going to need one
with a c-section' anyways.  My husband's aunt called and prayed with me for a
natural birth and for me to relax.  I was crying.  This was the most helpful
thing anybody did for me during the labor process.  After 8 hours, I was
still only 1 cm.  The doctor said the baby was getting tired, because he was
trying to descend down and just could not fit.  She said I was too little for
the baby and she did not want him to be born with his shoulders stuck inside
of me, because then they would have to break the baby's shoulders to deliver.
 I was freightened.  She said the baby's head was swollen already from trying
to get into my birth canal.  (I am 5 feet tall).  She said her mom was little
like me and had to have 5 c-sections with all of her babies.  I did not want
my child to suffer.  I did not want to hurt him in any way.  So I agreed to
be prepped for surgery.  I was awake during surgery, just had the epidural in
full strength.  My body was paralyzed from the breast down.  I was shivering
from the drugs and scared.  My husband put on his gear and came into the
delivery room with us.  I was cut open with a laser.  The partition was up,
so I could not see anything.  It took quite a while, then I felt a push and a
pull and heard my baby's cries for the first time.  I was crying, tears
running down my face.  My husband screamed "It's a boy".  He was so excited.
 He ran back and forth between the baby and me and said "Dag, it's a boy and
he looks like you".  After they cleaned and checked Cory, I got to hold him
in one arm.  I was so sorry that I couldn't really hold him, nurse him and
snuggle him.  I had dreamt throughout pregnancy of pulling him up on my chest
right after birth.  None of this happened.

The scar of my flesh has healed.  Thanks to laser technology, you can hardly
see the scar anymore.  The scar of my heart will never heal.  I will forever
mourn the fact that my son was not born naturally, that we couldn't bond
right away, my little Cory and I, that I didn't get to nurture him at my
breast until 4 hours after his birth.  I feel cheated and disappointed.  I do
not believe my birth canal is too small and have made arrangements to see a
CNM to be measured.  My next child is going to be delivered at home, just
with a CNM, my husband and Cory present.  Since Cory's birth, I have healed
any ailment with herbs and natural methods.  I have become a vegan.  My child
is always treated with herbs and gentle healing methods.  I have discontinued
vaccinations on him since he was 6 months old.  It's taken me a while to come
around to natural healing, but I totally believe in it now.  I believe that
birthing is a natural process of your body and any woman is empowered to do
it.  The next birth will have a "CAN DO" attitiude on my part.  I believe I
can birth my babies and I will - in the comfort of my own home.

As for Cory:  he is a wonderful delight in my life.  He is a gift from God to
me.  I have never felt a deeper love and awe for anybody or anything in my
whole entire life.  We are still nursing after 16 months.  Nursing is the
only thing that seems to have made up for the loss we both experienced at his
birth.  I tell my pregnant friends to get over their fears while they are
pregnant and stay in charge of your body and your experience.